Tuesday, August 27, 2013

The First Last

I posted this past Saturday about having to sleep with Gianna for both nap time and bedtime. How some times I sit there thinking of all the things that need to get done instead of just enjoying the moment with my firstborn. These past few days she has wanted to go to bed all on her own, she doesn't need or want me to lay down with her anymore until she falls asleep. And that makes me sad. I regret not soaking up all the previous nights laying with her in her dark room, listening to the sound of her breathe, watching her sleep, feeling her feet as they move up and down in a sideways motion( a behavior that she gets from me)But now she's a big girl and while I'm sure there will be many nights to come that she does want me to lay with her, I wander how many more moments will come and go and looking back in hindsight I realize I should have enjoyed them more. Those first lasts. Even Ethan,my baby needs me less and less. I soaked up holding him as much as possible this week since months ago he stopped needing to be held all the time, or wanting to be cuddled and rocked before falling asleep. As I lay in the hospital bed with him this past Tuesday, him gripping onto my hair for dear life, the same way he did when he was a baby baby, I soaked it in and never wanted it to end. And today as I was cleaning out his closet, I found a New Parent magazine, along with the name tag that ready Baby Finnegan. Boy 10/19/12 and I immediately burst into tears. If he was my last pregnancy I wish I would have enjoyed it more, relished every moment, taken more pictures, etc etc. But I can't do it all over. Life is full of moments that we wish we could do over, or have enjoyed more. I also know that not every moment will be one we can hold on to and soak up. Life goes on, things get in the way, errands need to be ran, cooking needs to be done. You know the drill. But sometimes I wander if we would do things differently if we knew the moment we are living in would be the first last. The first last day of school for your baby. Your first last pregnancy. Your first last time feeling your baby kick while still snugggled inside you.And even those moments that seem to be current annoyances, like folding baby clothes multiple time a day, or soaking formula caked bottles for the 10th time in the sink, or cleaning up the playroom knowing that the minute all the toys are put away your toddler is going to walk in and take them all out. All those little moments that we take for granted and will some day miss I found this article on facebook and had to share it with you all.

 This was written by Babette Maxwell founder of the Military Spouse magazine. To be taken directly to the source click HERE

 My oldest is about to start football. Not the non-tackle, flag variety, but the no-kidding, full-on kind that required a fitting of shoulder pads, helmets and a uniform. When we went in to the gym for his fitting, I could barely breathe. When did he grow up? When did he get hair on his chest and wear shoes bigger than my husband? Was I looking? I cannot seem to remember it all. And, I caught myself wondering…If I had known that certain things were the last time, would I have done any of them differently? If I had known the last time he willingly came into cuddle, would I have insisted he stay longer? If I had known the last time he wanted me to hold his hand, would I have hung on a little longer?

 If I had known the last time he ran into my open arms, would I have taken a better picture in my mind as his happy little face smiled and shined with love for his mom? If I had known the last time I needed to cut up his food, would I have been more patient and cut slower to make it last longer? If I had known the last time he would need me to help him up on the chair, would I have placed him in my lap instead? If I had known the last time we watched Sponge Bob together, would I have let him stay up an extra 30 minutes to watch just one more? If I had known the last time he needed my help building his Lego designs, would I have deliberately watched his face dream big longer? Don’t get me wrong. He’s an amazing young man, and I absolutely could not be ANY luckier. But, even though he is right here in front of me, I miss the moments when I was the center of his world. I miss him running to me when he wanted or needed something. I miss him willingly hugging me because in my arms is where he found comfort and solace. I miss him asking me for help and wanting my hand around his for every moment of the day because it’s what made him happy. I know in my mind that I can’t go back. I cannot slow time down or relive special moments a second time except through videos and pictures, and my stockpile of memories. But my heart? It is a hot mess of desperation right now as I watch my oldest…my first born…enter into this new stage of his life. I have to confess that this first time of uniform fittings and team tryouts…I was allowed to watch, and participate, and a parent was required this first year. So, I dragged it out. Just in case the first time was also the last time. Such a beautiful article. One I'm sure we all can relate too

No comments:

Post a Comment