Monday, July 8, 2013
As Gianna's 2nd birthday draws near I've been struck with intense feelings of melancholy lately. Long gone is my sweet, cuddly baby girl. Our days of snuggles and cuddles are few and far between. Along with the little girl who constantly wants my attention. Although always independent Gianna's independence has reached new heights these past few months. Where she used to constantly look to make sure I was close by or watching, she now runs off without even a backward glance towards me.If she falls or stumbles she rarely looks towards me anymore for comfort. Determination crosses her face where once tears would fall as she wills herself to get up and carry on as if her stumble hasn't happened.
And as I proudly watch my strong, happy, fearless child go out into the world and spread her wings more and more each day I long for time to stand still, days to last longer and wish for my baby girl back.
Lately I feel as though a separation is taking place. It's amazing how young it starts. I was reading this book The Mermaid of Brooklyn by Amy Shearn and although a fiction book about a young mom, I thought the author captured this feeling quite well. I quote, "Lately, as Betty had gotten more independent and we-I mean I now, started to think about things like school, it had occurred to me that this whole having children situation was essentially a process of unspooling. Once Betty had been so close to me that her feet had gotten stuck in my ribs. We lived literally tethered . And then she was born and screamed if she wasn't being nursed or held. But with each day, she unspooled a little farther away-rolling overm eating food, sitting, walking, screaming, "Go away Mommy"-the crimson thread connecting us unraveling more and more as she wandered out into the woods of the world. I had to remind myself of this, of how, even though I hadn't had a moment to myself in years, and even my bowel movements were observed and commented upon by my tiny greek chorus, before I knew it, they would be off on the other side of the woods and I would long to tug on that crimson tether and call them tumbling home"
I read that paragraph and thought it so fitting. Especially for Gianna and I. She literally was stuck in my ribs up until she was born via c-section and how this time last year it was just her and I. Up until October when baby brother was born.. Oh those sweet days of mommy and me time. Those special nights falling asleep together, her straddling my belly with my chin resting upon her head. How sometimes I wish we could go back to those days.
I wander how our relationship will be as she continues to get older. She is so like me. This stubborn child of mine. Will we be close or will we butt heads due to our same personalities. Will she run to me with every thought and concern she has or will she chose to go to her father?
Either way I watch in wander as she goes out on her own more and more each day. Thanking God for every moment with her. The day she was born was truly the best day of my life.(besides Ethan being born of course) I love this sweet child of mine more than life itself. So although I may be melancholy for those newborn days with my sweet baby girl, I have loved every second of watching her change and grow this past year and can't wait to see what this year brings.
As much as I loved the baby stage she gets more and more fun each day. I can't wait till we are spending days curled up on the couch reading some of my favorite chapter books from my childhood. I daydream about signing her up for her first ballet class, purchasing those soft, pretty pink slippers and watching her perform at her first dance recital. I am loving being able to communicate with her more and more and envision the day when we can have a full out conversation. Mommy daughter pedicures are not far from my mind and her first day of school is not too far down the road
All these moments and memories I look forward to creating and sharing with her. Moments that we will always be able to look back on. These 2 years have been so amazing I know it will only get even more so here on out. I love you baby girl. You will always be my baby no matter what!