Fear's and biting the bullet

Like everyone else there are certain things I am afraid of. Some are small and silly, while others are major, well to me at least.

For example

-I'm terrified of elevator's. Hate having to take them. Every time I get in one I look around and locate the red button in case I get stuck in one. I have to remind myself to breathe as the watch the numbers climb from floor to floor and once the doors open I exhale in a huge sigh of relief.

-I hate thunderstorms and tonrados. Back in Wi all it took was once rumble of thunder to send me into my basement until the storm was over.Now here in Fl, with no basement's my fear has grown and I'm always trying to figure out where the safest place in my house would be if a tornado were to hit. Man I miss Wisconsin

-I'm afraid of snakes. Can't stand them. I refuse to go in my backyard in case I come across one. There is a huge river near my house that everyone goes swimming in. I had no problem swimming in river's or lakes back home in Wi but here it's a different story. You have to be careful of alligator's,water moccasins and other slimy lizards in the water. So I stay firmly on shore. My husband got me swimming in a river in NC and after we had been swimming awhile he told me to be on the lookout for water moccasins. That was it, I never swam there again.

- Sharks! I am deathly afraid of them. The minute I step foot in the ocean I am scanning the water from side to side and front to back. I usually only go in up to my knees. I'm such a baby I know. Yet although I'm afraid of sharks, I can watch Jaws over and over, I love shark week and am dying to go on this helicopter shark tour they offer in Destin. My friends went and said they saw hundred's. Yikes! I did learn a cool tip from the locals in Destin. If your on the beach and you see the lifeguard truck going back and forth at least 3 times it means a shark has been spotted and they are watching it. SO for those of you that vacation in Destin, remember that. Now I plonk myself by the lifeguard station and keep an eye out.

While these fear's may not seem significant to some, there are other things that I fear daily.

Like...
-Am I a good mom
-How will my daughter react after the baby is born
-Will she feel replaced and left out
-How will my husband handle missing the first 8 month's of our son's life
-I of course fear for my husband's safety when he is away and for my own as well
-I'm terrified of having another c-section yet the thought of labor scares me even more
-And I wander if the decisions I make in the interest of my daughter are really the best ones

Today I am going to sign Gianna up for childcare. Now I'm not a fan of daycares and childcare center's. Not because I think kids shouldn't be in them. Only because of my experiences dealing with them when I worked at the police dept. I get not all of them are bad. In fact most are pretty amazing! But due to my past experiences it took me until Gianna was a year to even put her in the nursery at church or in the childcare center at my Mops meetings. And once I did I learned she loved it! She thrives being with other kiddo's and away from me for a few hours.

The church we just started going to just opened an amazing new childcare center. State of the line, top of the art. Brand new. I love taking Gianna there when I go to church or when I go to my bible study.I can tell her and I both feel refreshed after our little time apart.

So when I saw they were offering part time childcare a few days a week I started to consider enrolling Gianna. With the husband gone at training and deploying after his training his done it will be just me with 2 kids under 2. There are no family member's to pitch in and babysit so I can get a break. No siblings or friends willing to help out. Oh I have friends here that I exchange babysitting duties with but pretty much everyone is either expecting or just had babies themselves so it wouldn't be a permanent situation.
I figured that even if I enroll Gianna one day a week, that is one day I know that I'm guaranteed to run errands with only one kiddo, catch up on cleaning and laundry while the baby sleeps, nap myself and even just to bond one on one with baby boy. All the while knowing that Gianna is in a safe and secure environment where she is being stimulated by other kiddo's her age and gets some time to herself to play and run around and not worry about waking the baby.

So the decision has been made. I'm biting the bullet and enrolling her for one day a week starting Nov 1st! Is it too early to start crying about it. I'm going to miss her so much but feel like this will be a great opportunity for her.

Wish me luck