40 Days

In 40 some days my little boy will be 1! How is that possible? It seems like it was just a month ago that I was still pregnant. Anxiously and nervously awaiting his arrival. And then it seems like he was just born. I can so vividly remember being wheeled into the OR, and counting down the minutes until I saw his face for the first time. And when that moment arrived, that overwhelming rush of love that I was prepared for yet still overwhelmed by. It can't be possible that my baby boy is already almost a year.

How did he go from this?

To this so quickly?

His turning one is hitting me much harder than when Gianna turned one. I can't put my finger on why. I just keep getting his with huge pangs of nostalgia lately. This time last year I was hugely pregnant and trying to soak up every minute possible with Gianna

I cherished those nights cuddled on the couch watching Spookly the Square pumpkin, or Doc Mcstuffins. I think we went to the pumpkin patch numerous times a week just so Gianna could pick up a new pumpkin. I remember feeling sad and afraid. Sad that Gianna wouldn't be an only child much longer and afraid about the delivery of my baby boy. So many fears. What if something happened to me during the C-section., what if something happened to Ethan. Would Gianna understand what was going on? Would she feel replaced? Would I love Ethan the same way I did Gianna? In truth it seemed impossible to love another child the way I loved Gianna. Would I have enough love to go around

And then Ethan was born and I knew that everything would be ok.Your heart grows and expands so that you are fully able to love each child as much as the other. Of course it's different for each but as each child grows and grows, I love them more and more each day.

I long for those newborn days with Ethan. Not the colicky nights but those first few weeks of cuddles on the couch, breathing in his baby smell, savoring every squeak and squeal he made, adoring his precious features. Who can resist baby hands or feet. I also wish I could go back and give him more one on one time. Even now I feel like he gets jipped for my attention since Gianna demands it all. Sibling rivalry is rearing it's head around our house. I feel bad that Ethan never has my undivided attention the way that Gianna did for her first 15 months. And I still spend days feeling I don't have enough hands, energy or time to fully devote to either of them

However they are just reaching that stage where they are starting to play together. Gianna proudly introduces Ethan any time we are out in public and he is the first thing she asks for and looks for in the morning. And all he needs to do is be in the same room as her in order to be happy. She could be sitting drinking her cup of milk and Ethan would think it was hysterical. The love I have for these two is undeniable

And as I wish I could press a pause button or at least slow down these last 6 weeks of Ethan's babyhood I am excited to see what this next stage brings. I can't wait until he says his first official word, and take his first steps. Until he starts really showing interest in things, until he asks to cuddle just because. Not because he's tired, teething or sick.

It is still crazy to me how fast time flies. Everyone tells you that when your first child is born. But it speds by double the pace when your second comes around.It's true what they say, The days are long but the years are short. So hugs your children, look long into their eyes and drink this cup of motherhood dry