Life is short

Today the hubs and I had to cram in visiting the rest of our family members that we haven't been able to see. Our first stop was to visit M's cousin whose wife had a baby two weeks ago. Unfortunately the baby was born two months early and had some hemorrhaging on the brain. Since then Dr's ruled that the hemorrhaging was nothing to worry about but that before she is released to go home she will need to have to start eating on her own instead of being tube feed.

When I first heard the little peanut was going to be born prematurely it didn't really register shock with me. My siblings and I were all preemies and I had just witnessed my close friend go into early labor twice. However walking into the NICU today to see a little 4 pound baby taped up in tubes and wires was heartbreaking. The hospital she was at is state of the art and the NICU's are finely disguised birthing suites with only 3 babies in a room and plenty of chairs and areas for family members to visit. All the tubes and wires were brightly colored pastels almost as if they were trying to disguise their real purpose.

Holding the little peanut brought tears to my eyes. Premature babies are not something one considers when dreaming of starting their family but for some families it is a reality. Like my parent's. My older brother was born at 29 weeks weighing 3 pounds and died 3 months later due to complications with his heart. I was born at 34 weeks weighing 4 pounds and spent a month in the hospital with an under developed liver and lungs. Luckily my health turned around and here I am today. My mom spent her next pregnancy on bed rest and was told after my lil brother was born that it was best that my parents have no more children. Seeing M's cousin today brought to mind what it must have been like for my parents and my heart goes out to all those babies and families who are born prematurely or with a developmental condition

After visiting M's cousin we ate lunch with my dad and grandma before heading over to my mom's mom. My Grandma Rita is probably the person I was closest to growing up. We were always by her and my grandpa's house and time spent with them was always soo much fun. We all played dress up, ate whatever we wanted, watched movies and played games. They were the "fun grandparents". I lost my grandpa almost 3 years ago and it has been a rapid decline for my grandma health. She has always had health problems. The women has suffered 5 heart attacks, had 3 open heart surgeries and other various surgeries including two knee replacements. Through this all she remained strong, a fighter but losing my grandpa was hard on her. My grandpa doted on my grandma. Throughout their 55 years of marriage he did all the cooking, cleaning and driving. He took care of her and when he passed she was on her own. It was then that she seemed to give up her fight to live. I know she misses my grandpa terribly and doesn't take care of herself. She refuses to come live with my mom or be put in a nursing home and instead lives in an apartment community for seniors. I hate visiting her and seeing her sitting in her two bedroom apartment all alone. Memories surfacing of all the good times I had with her as a kid. Every time I leave her I wander if it will be the last time I will see her. I know that once I return home I need to do a better job of keeping in touch with her and making sure that she is ok. I hate the fact that I live so far away and can only see her on my short visits to town. As we left today she pressed $100 in my hand and told M and I to treat ourselves to a nice lunch. We refused the money but she kept insisting. I know that she needs the money more than we do but she still wouldn't allow us to hand it back. Last time I visited she gave me a diamond necklace as something I would have to look back on and remember her. Just leaving her today made me sob uncontrollably. I could barely say goodbye and I had to contain myself till we were out of the house so as not to make her upset

In visiting these two family members today I was reminded of how short life is, how fast life goes by. I vow to keep in better touch with my grandma and let her know that I think of her often. I hate being away from her but know that everytime I come home I will be able to see her. Cherish every moment with your family. Life goes by too fast to focus on the petty things

And sorry if this post doesn't make much sense. I'm still crying over leaving my grandma and hate the fact that tomorrow we have to leave our families and go back to NC