Bittersweet

Two weekends ago I left the kids with the hubby, got all dressed up and headed to Destin for dinner with some girlfriends. It was so nice to be able to have a few drinks, relax, sit and talk with good friends without having to  worry about cutting up some one else's food, or keeping the kids entertained during the meal.

After dinner we headed back to town. I took advantage of being child free and headed to Walmart to do some grocery shopping. I caught a glimpse of myself walking down one of the aisles and had to laugh. Here I was, 9pm on a Friday night wearing my cutest skinny jeans, highest heels, all dressed up for the night and pushing a cart of goldfish crackers and other child friendly snacks walking slowly up and down the aisles of Walmart. Oh how things have changed. It seems like forever ago that a night out didn't start until after 10. Now my friends and I plan dinner early so we can be home before the kids go to bed and a trip to the grocery store without kids is indeed a vacation! I am officially an adult

Once I got everything I needed in the grocery section I headed off to my favorite area, the office supplies and book section. As I browsed the news rack  I caught a glimpse of Pregnancy and Newborn magazine. Instinctively I started to reach for it and I had a total deja vu moment. It was as thought I was transported back in time and stood watching over my younger self.

We had just moved to Florida and I was 7 months pregnant with Gianna. On a trip to Walmart I had picked up the Pregnancy and newborn magazine. I can still remember who was on the cover, a pretty model wearing a royal blue romper. I remember thinking that that outfit would be perfect for the Florida weather and would make my bump look even more adorable. According to that magazine the outfit was from Destination Maternity. Every time the husband and I headed to destin I made him stop at that store to see if they had that outfit in stock. They never did and still every time I see someone wearing a romper I am reminded of that magazine and the summer I was pregnant with Gianna

I put the magazine back on the shelf and immediately felt tears burning my eyes. It seems like that moment happened  yesterday instead of almost 3 years ago. On the car ride home I was overcome by all these memories...

Finding out Gianna was a girl, moving to Fl, decorating the nursery, and spending time with the hubby in those last few months as a couple. I  remember going into the Dr's office for my 38 week apt, My C-section  scheduled for the following Friday so this was our last weekend as a family of two. We had big plans to go see the final Harry Potter movie, sleep in and go to the beach. I got up and took a lot of time doing my hair and makeup, carefully choosing my outfit before heading to the dr. The bewilderment I felt when they told me I had no amniotic fluid left and that I needed to head right upstairs for an emergency C-section. The hysterical phone call I made to my husband's office alerting him to head home immediately and that moment when Gianna was placed into my arms for the first time. Then heading home with a yellow, blotchy baby(thanks jaundice) and thinking that it was impossible to love anything more in that moment. I can still clearly see days spent rocking and nursing my sweet baby girl and enjoying every moment of motherhood, thinking that life couldn't get any better. Then when she was 6 months old taking my baby to Walgreen because I couldn't shake the hung over sick feeling I had had for a week. Right next to the cold medicine aisle was a stack of pregnancy tests. I grabbed one just in case and sure enough it was positive. The ultrasound that confirmed Ethan was a boy even though I was sure I was having a girl. Buying him his first Star Wars shirt, decorating his nursery and savoring every last moment with my baby girl before my sweet boy was born. And once again the shock and amazement of loving someone so much the moment my beautiful boy was placed in my arms. More nights and days of rocking and nursing, the night time being the most special, due to Ethan being wide awake and content to just nestle into the crook of my arm and stare at me. Our own silent way of communicating. These kids have brought so much joy to my life

Looking back it's still hard to believe that I am a mother of two toddler's. I still feel like those newborn days were last month instead of last year. 2.5 years into my motherhood journey I finally feel like I have found my niche. My mommy niche. I have grown into the mom and person that I am today and love being a mom and my kiddos even more than I did when they were born. As we leave babyhood behind and enter into toddlerhood I am truly loving the season that we are in. Motherhood is a journey, a bittersweet one for every day something reminds me of the babies that they no longer are. Yet watching them change and grow into the people they are becoming is truly amazing. I am loving this new season we are in