I am a selfish Mommy. This past week has been a rough one. Between two urgent care visits, a dr's visit, car repairs and lots to do around the house I have officially reached the end of my rope. The terrible 2's have arrived turning my sweet G into a monster who gets upset over anything and everything and my little man screams non-stop due to teething and a double ear infection. Yesterday as E screamed and screamed I contemplated walking out the front door and leaving. (I know that sounds extreme but my dad was in town so it's not like they would have been left alone) But in all seriousness I was beyond frustrated. And that frustration led to a pity party.
A pity party where I moaned and groaned about not having any "me"time. I complained about not having any time to read a book without listening to a toddler throw a tantrum over a cookie or hearing the baby wake up after just laying him down for a nap. I became jealous of my husband who I wished I could trade places with and I swore I was going to start looking for jobs because I didn't want to be a stay at home mom anymore.The whole day I spent irritated, frustrated, stressed out to the max hoping for some alone time on the couch so I could catch up on my reality tv and drink a glass of wine.
Motherhood is hard and parenting, actual parenting which requires you to be a present and active part in the training and teaching of your kids life is even harder. And some days I don't think I'm strong enough to do it. Some days all I want to do is lay on the couch and watch tv. And I know that as a mom of 2 under 2 that that is selfish
Don't get me wrong. I'm all for time away from the kids and believe that that time away makes me a better mom! And its good for the kiddos as well to have time away from me. But having days where I throw myself a pity party and ignore my kids so I can read a book or watch tv is a day wasted. A day which could have been full of fun activities with the kids and myself
Before I went to bed last night I opened up my book that my small group is reading since I am a week behind. The book is Desperate by Sarah Mae and Sally Clarkson and it is amazing. Today's chapter spoke to me as it was all about selfishness and motherhood.
I came across this verse and quote from the book and was instantly humbled
"God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble"
The author goes on to say this
" The opposite of humility is pride. And it is my own pride that keeps me from doing the hard things and giving up myself for the sake of my children."
"You and I, we love our children to the core of our beings. We would die for them. But for some reason we have a hard time putting away our books, our computers or crafts in order to serve them, train them, encourage them and fill their souls with life. Every day"
"Choosing to enter into the mundane with our children, who see playing ponies as anything but ordinary is a sacrifice of love. Choosing to enter into a project that will turn into a training session is a sacrifice of love. We will have to choose patience and kindness over frustration and giving up. We'll have to choose to take time to train and teach and perhaps discipline. The choosing to engage means choosing to do the hard work of loving through our actions."
Reading this chapter humbled me. I had been so caught up in how every day is spent cleaning, running errands, changing diapers and taking care of the kids, leaving with me with no time to myself that I forgot how important it is to just live in the moment with your kiddos. That engaging with them, teaching them, and playing with them is showing them love. And although I may want to sit down and read a book, playing tea party with my daughter is so much more important. In a few short years she will be in school and I will have all the time in the world to read a book. I know when that day comes I will look back upon this one and wish I could have this day back. So here's to living in the moment with my kids, spending as much time with them as possible, engaging fully and pushing my book to the side until they've gone to bed.