Monday, October 22, 2012

My Firstborn

This past weekend in the hospital was the longest time I've been away from Gianna. I was dreading it for weeks. Friday morning as I was walking out the door she let out a big cry and ran to the door screaming out Mommy. It broke my heart. I stopped and scooped her up in my arms and held her before forcing myself to let go

In the hospital, even after Ethan was born I missed her. I couldn't wait until she came to visit or until I could go home

However when she walked into the hospital room she wanted nothing to do with me. M placed her on the bed and she squirmed to get away. I get that she was in a new place, and there was a lot to explore but she didn't come to me once. It was devastating. The next day she was a little better but still wanted nothing to do with me. I convinced myself that everything would be ok once I returned home.

I was wrong. I forgot about the lifting restrictions Id be under after having another c-section. I also forgot how much it would hurt to move, walk, laugh and cough. I tried to get Gianna to lay or sit on the couch with me and she wasn't having it. Of course she showed interest in her brother and loved showing off to her grandparents all the cool things she could do but I was pretty much invisible

It's heartbreaking to not be able to put her to bed, or greet her in the morning when she wakes up or be able to scoop her up and cuddle anytime I want. But I can't. I can't help but reminisce about what I was doing this time last week, how I had taken her to a playdate and then to the pumpkin patch followed by lots of mommy and daughter cuddling time. Usually she falls asleep on my lap at night and today she wouldn't even sit next to me while I sat on the couch. She fell asleep on my mom. Right now as I'm typing this I'm bawling my eyes out in my bedroom.

I feel like I shouldn't be having these feelings. I just had a baby who I love and have been anxiously awaiting to meet. Yet I feel like I'm hurting my other baby. Is this going to be the moment that my sweet lovable little girl pushes me away. ( sorry for the melodrama tonight)
I just didn't think it would be this hard. I expected everything to be just as it was a week ago. But it's not. I'm hoping once I am feeling better Gianna will approach me more and we will resume our day to day activities.

Did anyone else experience this with their firstborn after their second baby was born.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone


  1. Aw, I think it does sound like she may be jealous of little brother. I am sure she will get over it. Maybe it will take time adjusting for her. I haven't gone through it, but I hope I might have the option to...

  2. Yes, I totally had this experience. However, I have to remember that at that age they are just super busy and not into sitting and cuddling. I have 7 and with each one it's disappointing that they do not miss me as much as I missed them at the hospital! Part of it is also "mommy guilt" for having a new baby and feeling like they won't get as much attention. However, now I know to expect it so it's not quite as sad. I don't think she's jealous...just busy!

  3. Don't feel too bad. There's been a big change in her life!

  4. I'm sorry you're dealing with that. It'd absolutely break my heart, too. Her little world has been turned upside down...just give her time to adjust. Yall will be back to normal sooner than later, I'm sure. Just try to include her in absolutely everything. Can you let your mom watch the baby and take a walk with her, or take her to a nearby playground (assuming walking distance) for some mommy/daughter time?