The comment was this.. Big and I have become Mr and Mrs Married. We have to work on the sparkle in our relationship. What happens after you say I do
I guess with M being gone I have had a lot of extra time to think about things. And I have come to the following conclusion, M and I have become Mr and Mrs Married. Now I realize that this comes off negatively but I dont mean anything bad by that at all. I love M with all my heart and I love our marriage. We have an awesome relationship, we laugh and joke and can have serious conversations and are so open with each other about everything. M is truly my best friend. However I want to change some things about our relationship. And I am starting now..
M and I spent the first year of marriage apart due to him being deployed. We had our fair share of ups and downs but came out strong because of it. Then our 1 year anniversary was spent moving me down to NC. You would think that with us finally being together after a year we would spend every waking moment together doing fun couple things. Reality sets in after awhile and besides getting adjusted to him being home and us living together, I also had to adjust to a new town, living away from family and friends, finding and starting a new job and also starting school right away. M also was preparing for a vigorous training program for his job that required a lot of his personal time. Quality time for us became watching an hour of tv together before going to bed.
Now that I am done with school and changing my work week to four long days of work instead of six, I am implementing a change in our marriage. I want to start having date night and going out on the town with my hubby and having a few drinks, or taking weekend trips to various places and enjoying our time together. I expressed this to M and he agreed. I want to take the time to be spontaneous and romantic and carefree while we can. Especially since M will be deploying again shortly after he comes back.
M himself dropped a bombshell on me yesterday. After emailing him and telling him about S's baby on friday, M replied that will be you soon. What?? Four weeks ago M wanted nothing to do with babies and I was the one all for trying to get pregnant. Until yesterday, yesterday he calls me up and tells me he is ready to have kids and wants to start trying soon. Now I'm not so sure. I love babies and can't wait to have them with M but right now I love him more and want to make sure we enjoy time together while it's just us before adding kids to the mix.
I know this makes me sound really selfish. But I feel that M and I have spent more time apart than together and I don't want to miss out on anything.
So readers, I have a question for you. What really happens after you get married. How do you hold on to that sparkle and make it last? And am I being selfish by wanting to put off adding to our family for a bit. And to those with children, am I being unreasonable? How do you sustain a awesome marriage after the arrival of kids!
I don't think you sound selfish at all! I had my son before my husband and I got married so it never got to be just us, and I kinda wonder what that would be like so enjoy it! You have plenty of time to have a baby! :)
ReplyDeleteTo maintain a spark is doing what you just did now. Figuring out that you wanted to add date nights and weekend trips away is a great start! As for the kids thing, i do not believe you are being selfish. Me and the hubs have decided to wait a min of 3 years from the day we got married, we have 1 down and 2 more to go. We want to be able to enjoy ourselves being US, the married couple. I don't want to say that kids complicate things, but it's a whole different lifestyle. You should enjoy your "us" time now because when you have kids, that "us" time will be less and less. Of course it will be replaced with "family" time which is great, but you want to make sure that you and the hubs are 100% comfortable with each other before adding more the family mix.
ReplyDeleteWell, this is my opinion and how I feel about it. I can say i'm in the same boat with you, but me and the hubs are so far on the same page of waiting. lol
I am definitely right there with you on putting off the kids for a while to enjoy just "being married." It may be selfish, but I am just not ready for any kids yet. And yay, super excited for SATC 2 to come out, we should go see it together!
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ReplyDeleteI just started to follow you and your post are pretty interesting. Me and my husband got married with only 4 month of knowing each other and we have only been married for two years and the first year we spent apart then when he got home from deployment I became pregnant. It was hard because we were still trying to get to know each other but I think that when we had our little girl It brought us closer together than ever before, we are very spotaneous we sometimes have date night. I think we are still going strong because we joke alot, keep an opened mind for things, we find time for ourselves, we are actually going on a trip this weekend bc we need to be just us as a family:) If you do want to put off having kids I think it's a great idea too, if you know that you want to be with your huband and have trip & get up and just go then you should do it:)It's not being selfish at all! You need time with your husband who wouldnt want that:)
ReplyDeleteI really think those answers depend on the couple. We've been married 7 years, only knew each other 5 months before we got married. We have only had 2 deployments and then the various and endless training schools of course. We like to stay in instead of going out and have sex quite often. We have been trying to have a baby for over 2 years. We have 4 dogs, a house and I work full time and am going to school. So our situation and happiness will be different from yours ya know.
ReplyDeleteMy simple take on a happy marriage though... sex and food (feeding him). That's all men want, seriously. Food in their belly and lots of sex. If he's happy you'll get whatever you want my dear! :-D
As for babies, if you're not ready just tell him. Agree to visit the topic again in 6-12 months to see where you are with everything and then discuss.
Belinda
I don't share this often. But I was/am that couple that never really got to be just him and I married. We had our son before we got married and he has been deployed for 14 months out of the 24 we have been together.. It takes a lot of work to make sure we put each other first. And keep that "sparkle" in tact. You make little things special. We have our date nights just us, and ones with the three of us,and our planned spontaneous moments. (My mom will take the little one for the weekend and we just pack a bag and start driving)Even when its been crazy and we can only manage an hour, we go get ice cream and sit in the car in the parking lot...or we have even gone grocery shopping, not super romantic but its time for just the two of us to talk and just be. Or my favorite is our "after bed time dates" Our son will go down at 8 and then we pop some popcorn turn down the lights and snuggle on the couch and watch a movie...or have a late dinner just the two of us. I certainly don't regret having my son early(I think he has helped get me through these two deployment...but I wonder what it would be like to be just us for awhile. :)
ReplyDeleteGah - I was totally trying to multi-task and talk on the phone with Chad when I first posted and I read my mambojambo and realized, it made no sense.
ReplyDeleteNo, I totally want to put off kiddos so we can have some "us" time first.
A few weeks ago, some of the ladies on the board from my work were telling me how important it was to start traditions for Chad and I before we had kids - not after we have kids.
They told me something that I found really beautiful and self-assuring in my selfishness - Chad and I didn't get married to have kids. We got married to create a life together. And by investing the time into our life, when we do snatch up some babies from the baby factory, we'll have a stronger foundation to raise them. And it goes for people who start relationships with kids from previous relationships, they didn't hook up because they had kids - but they chose to spend their lives together and create a foundation so they can provide a higher quality life together.
For us what really happened after marriage was 3 years and 3 months of living apart. That was 1 year in Iraq, then over 2 years on unaccompanied orders. I got pregnant during his Christmas leave of the first unaccompanied year. By the time we actually moved in together we had been married over 3 years, had a 6 month old baby and were "newlyweds."
ReplyDeleteLet me tell you...that is stressful. But for military families that is a big reality. And, as you know, we have loads more time apart in front of us.
The date night system is what we work off of now. Before we had Lucy any time we had together was a honeymoon b/c we had so little time together. Now things like dates and romance have to be a little more scheduled since we have to make arrangements for someone to take L. But that's not a bad thing and that won't last forever. I know so many couples who do a weekly or monthly date night and they are the happiest couples I've ever met. Taking even just a couple hours each week to talk and reconnect and just enjoy your best friend keeps your relationship strong.
I know you all will do great. If you just live by the philosophy that you have to make the most out of the precious moments you do have with each other then you can defeat any hurdle: like distance, job stress, and even the stress babies cause. You just both have to always be willing to make your relationship a priority.
I don't think you're being selfish at all! It sounds like my husband and myself, althought we can't decide when to have kids. We both know it wont be anytime soon. One thing that works great for spending more time together.. no cable! All we have is the converter box so we get about 5 channels (the other 10 or so are in Spanish :/) which means more time doing stuff together. He does spend a lot of time on the Xbox, but he will stop it do go do stuff. Take the time to explore your new surrounding together. Thats something my husband and I love doing when we move. The date nights are fun when you make sure to try a new place every time you go out. Makes it more fun and exciting!
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Oh gosh....I think it's separation or something. SoldierMan has historically been afraid of all things baby...but then he's gone a couple of months and now every time we see each other it's one of the first things he mentions. But it's always, "You know, if YOU want to have a baby now, then I'd be fine with it." Except *I'm* not the one who brings it up. And now he's given me the fever. >>sigh<<
ReplyDeleteI do not think you are being selfish by wanting to wait to have babies. You are realizing that your time with your husband is so precious...especially when you are forced to be apart! There is nothing selfish about that. When the time comes to have children you will have such a strong love and foundation built!
ReplyDeleteWith the military lifestyle, I think it's a good idea to wait. First of all, with deployments and time together being sporadic, it's good to have enough time together to truly be selfish and enjoy each other. Second, you so many people in the military get married young and have a bunch of kids right away. It might work for some, but not most. My husband and I plan on waiting until we are 30 and all his friends in the army think we are nuts! Oh well, do what you feel is right for you!
ReplyDeleteI don't think you are being selfish at all! My husband was deployed the whole year we were engaged...after a year of us being long-distance. We spent three glorious years as newlyweds before we had our daughter. I am so happy that we took that time to just be together. Now that we have a daughter {16 months old} we go on semi-regular {whenever we can get a babysitter} date nights. I make sure to wear make up and look cute every day for him. We make sure to snuggle, even if we're just watching TV...but definitely wait to have kids until you are both ready!
ReplyDeleteOh wow - that's so crazy. Steven has basically announced this week that he is ready for a baby too. What is it with our husbands?
ReplyDeleteI'll be emailing you about this - my reply is just too long for a comment. :)
On the baby note: I've said 165 times over that I want to try to have a baby now. AJ probably get sick of hearing, I say it so much! Last night, I had a dream that I was like 12 weeks pregnant and I woke up this morning TERRIFIED! Thinking to myself, if that was the case, SO much would change, and I don't think I'm ready for that! It was kind of a slap in the face for me. I've said I was ready for the past year and here I am panicking over a dream!
ReplyDeleteI think your mind changes a MILLION times until you actually get pregnant.. at least mine did. There is never a "right" time. But, I think you should both be ready before you decide to start trying. Even though our minds would go back and forth, one night we just said we weren't NOT trying and threw caution to the wind, whatever happened, happened, and... a baby happened! I think when it's meant to happen it will, and you will be ready. A year is not so long to wait to try to spend a little time together when you look at the big picture. You have SO much time! On the other hand, if you were to get pregnant now, I think you would be ready and it would all be fine. Just go with the flow and no matter what, you will still get that alone time, even when you have kids. As for the "spark" I think it's just the little things, you don't have to see each other every day, but sending a text if you can, or email, or even a picture of some inside joke the two of you share or something. Spending the time you two DO have to talk focusing on each other and not fighting as well, that can be hard when you are apart. I think just making the effort keeps the spark!
ReplyDeleteSo obviously I don't know what it is like to be apart for so long from Roger but what I do know and what I have told so many people is if you are "planning" to have a baby there is really no right time. But one thing that I am so happy about is that we did have a plan for the timing to start trying and that year before we had the best time. We went on vacations and went to concerts and baseball games and so many fun things together. We knew that things would change once we had a baby and we didn't want to have any regrets. Remember when you have a "plan" sometimes God has a different one. You never know how fast you will get pregnant either so be sure you are ready. You are not selfish at all. Also now that we have Adddison I can't imagine life without her and life has changed but for the better. It is hard being away from family and we have only gone to dinner once alone since she was born but we now take her with us and we have adjusted we haven't just stopped going out to dinner just not as often. Roger is so busy with work right now that we don't see him very often and when we do we are all tired but we enjoy the time we are together even when it isn't exciting or going out together. I can't imagine what it would have been like if we didn't have this last year for "us" an unplanned pregnancy must be a huge shock so i am glad that we were prepared. So the main point in all of this is enjoy time together and be sure you are ready. I knew I was ready when I was ready to say it isn't about me. I can't sleep in anymore becuase someone needs me:) Talk about this with him before you rush into anything so that you are on the same page.
ReplyDeleteLove ya hun!
I dated my husband for 8 years before marrying him, and lived with him for about 5. I was convinced nothing would change after marriage. Well, it did. Almost everything changed, actually. The first year of marriage was really hard on us - and we were living together and interacting daily. I think it is incredibly wise of you to want to perfect your marriage before adding kids to the mix. And kudos for you to thinking it through. All the best.
ReplyDeleteWe're waiting for so many reasons. We always say that it's because of the distance we're living from our families because of the military, but in all honesty, that isn't it. Not really. We're waiting because we want to be secure in every way that you can be, but mostly in our marriage. And we know that it'll take time to build that secure foundation that it will take to start a family. And for now, I think we're both MORE than ok with waiting.
ReplyDeleteFound your blog from Mrs. Muffins... very cute by the way!
ReplyDeleteWe are waiting... our entire dating relationship was across the country, we've been married for 6mo and he's done training and may deploy soon...
I want time for just us, time to actually get to know his little quirks, time to work out things that come with living together, doing our 1st big PSC without a preggo belly or newborn in the mix.
It is NOT selfish at all.