Birth Days

My cousin had her baby yesterday morning. She was induced Thursday  and as I awaited the news of her first babies arrival I couldn't help but feel a twinge of sadness. For I looked at my babies and quickly saw how fast they were growing up. Yet in some ways it feels like just yesterday that they were born. I know I will never forget either of their birth days

And while I never experienced actual labor, nor felt any sort of contraction what so ever, there are still certain moments of both of my kid's birthdays that I can still hear, see, and feel in my mind every time I look back


Waiting for Gianna's arrival

 Ethan will be here soon

I will never forget the anticipation and fear that went along with the birth of either of my children. Both of my kiddo's were scheduled c-sections but Gianna's was an emergency one done a week earlier than our scheduled date. I will never forget driving to our house, loading up the car with our hospital bags and thinking this is it. In a few hours we will be a family of 3. I think I shook the whole way to the hospital

I will never forget getting prepped for my surgery. The blood work, the iv, the nurse and anesthesiologist coming in to talk to me. The fear quickly setting in
But most importantly I will never forget the sound of my babies heartbeat over the monitor. The feel of their punches and kicks. Knowing that that day would be the last day I felt those things from the inside. I remember feeling my belly, cradling them from the inside silently telling them it's just you and me kid, forever.

I can still hear my baby's heart beat strong and solid over the heart rate monitors and I can remember watching the spiral of the machine as it monitored my baby's movement and my lack of contractions.

I remember walking into the operating room shaking with fear, laying on the table and praying to God for a quick and safe delivery. Hearing both my babies cry. I remember with Gianna I was so drugged up I remember thinking that someone really needed to get that baby out of my room and stop her crying. Then I realized she was mine and I was officially a mother

And I will never forget the moment both of my children were born. The pressure on my abdomen, the shouts of the Dr about the arrival of my son and daughter and the annoyance of not being able to see them above the blue curtain.

Finally the moment arrived when my husband brought our children over to me. That moment when I gazed on each of them for the first time. That moment of recognition that only a mother can have for her child. The one where you recognize them as a part of you, where love overwhelms you and you know that from that moment on you are changed forever

And I will never forget those days spent in the hospital with our newborn. days and nights full of pure bliss. Like it was us against the world. I never wanted those days to end. There is something so peaceful about those days in the hospital. Like nothing else matters but you and your new family. And truly nothing else does

Meeting Gianna for the first time

 Meeting Ethan for the first time

So congrats to my cousin. Your life is forever changed in the best way possible. And to my two children to whom I love more than life itself I leave you with this quote

" No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you. After all you're the only who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside

Three Legitimate Fears

Three legitimate fears

1. Tornado's and thunder storms. I was in a tornado once as a child. I was out girl scout camping and can remember walking to the bathrooms that were outside of the cabin where we were staying when the tornado sirens started going off. I panicked. The camp ranger called to tell us to go into the basement for safety. I can remember sitting in the basement of this old rickety farmhouse, water pouring down the walls cuddling with my mom who was luckily one of the chaperones on this trip. I will never forget the sound of the wind roaring past the house. The utter devestation outside after it was all over. The small town that had a lot of damage. Those memories are burned into my mind forever. So much so that for the longest time after anytime it stormed I would go sit in my basement. Now we live in Fl where they are no basements and I still hate storms. I prefer not to drive in them and if I know that it is going to storm I will stay home. I have the safest place mapped out in the house to seek cover if there ever is a tornado. And hopefully if we encounter one I can stay calm for you kids

2. A Natural Disaster. I cannot watch movies such as 2012, Deep Impact, or anything having to do with a zombie apocalypse. Because I stay up all night freaking out about them. What if that were to happen. What would I do, where would I go? After watching  these movies I sit up all night, waking up your dad to ask such questions and having nightmares about such instances. And in truth we live in a scary world. A world where people in other countries want to hurt us, a world where shootings occur at movie theaters, malls, schools, and bombs go off at marathons. I want to be able to protect yall from all of these things and the fact of the matter is that I can't. And that is my biggest fear of all

3. The end of the world. Now I know as a christian I should not fear the end of the world. After all I fully believe Christ died for my sins and that I will be saved. Still the end of the world scares me for I am not sure how it will happen. And every time someone predicts the end of the world I get terrified. I want to live a long life with my family. Spend it with my kids and grand kids. So hopefully the end of the world is years and years away!

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

I read in a book that when you are raising young kids the days may drag and time may feel like it is at a standstill. But in all reality it won't be long before your kids avoid  your hugs and kisses, slam doors in your face, swear they won't grow up to be like you and make all kinds of decision you don't agree with. And all that time you have to stand by and let them grow into the person they are meant to be. Hoping you did everything you could to enable them to handle the big bad world around them.

The thought of my kids growing up and no longer needing me, no longer being able to squeeze their little bodies against mine on the couch, no longer wanting to play pretend with me makes my heart break. For I know w it won't be long before they are leaving the nest and for awhile I know it may seem that they have left me behind.

And while my kids are off living lives of their own I will reflect on all the years I had with them and smile both with tears of sadness and joy. And then Mom I will call you and tell you I understand what you went through watching me grow up and express my deepest thanks because I know that you poured your whole heart into motherhood and you never stopped even when I started a family of my own. For I will always be your little girl and you will always be my mom. I also know that it won't be until my children have kids of their own that they will even begin to understand the amount of love I have for them

I know that the moment their hold their newborn in their arms they will be so overwhelmed with love for their child that they realize that that is how much I love them and how much you loved me before then

I know now that it's possible for the heart to feel so empty and full at the same time. Full because anything that makes your kids happy makes you happy beyond belief. Empty because some of the things that make your kids happy won't always include you. And one day those things will take them away from you

I know now that you gladly sacrificed your fashion sense, having a new car, and other material possessions so that my brother and I could participate in all the activities we wanted. I also know that your wardrobe of jeans and a Pom Mom or Soccer Mom sweatshirt was a wardrobe worn with honor. You proudly sported a sweatshirt with your kids names on it because you wanted to. I'm sorry I made fun of you for always wearing them

I appreciate all the things you and Dad skimped on to always ensure we took a family vacation once a year. All the family trips Up north, learning how to fish, roasting smores at the campfire, telling scary stories are all memories of my childhood I have never forgotten. I'm also sorry that I during my teen years I thought I was to cool for all of that stuff. In truth I wasn't. I can't wait to share those memories with my kids

I know now that even when my kids are adults I will still want whats best for them. And still want to be a part of their lives. Mom you will always be a part of mine

And I understand now that as a new grandmother and a woman in middle age that you are struggling to find out who you are. You have left motherhood behind and have a new identity that you are trying to figure out. I'm sorry for not being patient with you as you try to figure it all out. I know it seems that sometimes I close myself off to you and as I throw myself into my journey of motherhood you are wandering what your role is now. Your role is to still be my mom and the best grandma to my kids. I love you so much mom

Thanks for all you have done. I have some big shoes to fill.